There once was a girl of an imaginative mind. She woke up every morning longing to find adventure around the corner. However, she often found upon opening her eyes that she was stuck in a rather dreary world that fought against magic. Yes, this girl was actually becoming quite like a grown-up. As such, she was required to move and exist in a system that she never fully understood. The language used, the tools manipulated, the logic distorted, she moved through day by day hoping to just once open her eyes to adventure. Despite her aging appearance, deep down she remained a little girl. She knew the greatest adventure was one unseen. She constantly had an urge to abandon responsibility and work to run wild in fields untouched by culture. However, ties held her heart back. She had family, friends, and Miss Expectations keeping her still. None of the ties were bad or ill-meaning. Her mind was constantly plagued by the call of two worlds. One she was inherently kept in, despite her inability to operate in it. The other was a world that kept whispering to her soul. Rainy days tugged softly, cold bitter winds howled incessantly, and rich sun rays warmed her cold corners. Still, she could not find the path to this unseen world. The only thing she could do is trudge on well-worn familiar paths, hoping her feet knew the way home better than she did. People told her to keep walking, as if she did not already know. Friends reminded her of a plan that moved through all, as if she did not notice. She hadn’t forgotten. She wasn’t foolish enough to think it would be easy. She just thought it would be real. For some reason, this little girl believed passion could ignite a life. She often reminded herself that adventure is simply found in the glasses you use to see the world. Yet, she found herself returning to stories of myths and imagination, longing to be lost. She knew the world was harsh. She knew the answer was not abandoning obligation. Deep down, she hoped she would find someone who felt as she did; someone who not only realized the world for its disappointments, but also for its hopes. She knew she had a Father who understood that. He listened to her desires carefully. She read His letters and called Him on the phone. Still, her feet kept walking. All the little girl could do was follow them, hoping that the itch of magic found in their soles would bring her home.

Into Marvelous Light I'm Running.

What is it about a stereotypical picture that is so wonderful? Why are we drawn to this imaginary image that does not exist? When I see someone with messy hair why do I love the courage they have to live their style, yet my own tousled look screams homeless? I seem to have this unattainable image of what "me" should look like. No matter what I do that look will never be caught. How did media find this inexhaustible ideal that leaves so many women feeling empty and in need of stuff. Stuff. This is what is supposed to make us who we are? Naturally, it is my shoes that scream COURAGEOUS. They can mask my face which is yelling FEARFUL. No! If any courage shines from me it must be from my soul. Life is not made in a factory by machines. Life comes from the inner makings of a person. When I walk into a room, people should know who I am not by the makeup I wear, not by the label I bear, not even by the solid waltz of my legs, but by the shine glowing from inside of me.

Pillow Fights!

I spent a weekend coloring, having pillow fights, and building forts. Sometimes, I have days in which college becomes exhausting and my mind thinks it is about to explode. The research is piling up and I was closer to being done a day ago than where I am now. I'm reading and brain is taking nothing in. My brain momentarily reverts to simple phrases of English like "me hungry" and "sleep, sleep, sleep". Then, two beautiful, little girls knock on my bedroom door. They peek in and then take a flying leap for my bed. Soon, I am snuggled in my covers watching Disney movies and giggling as I become preoccupied in a tickle fight. I live for these days. I am so thankful that I am able to live with my cousin, her husband, and her two little girls while I am at college. I have on several occasions watched kids playing wishing I could be as carefree as them again. Now, when I am wishing for my younger years I wander around the house until I find one of the girls and suddenly, I am playing Barbies or hide and seek. The stress melts away and I am perfectly content. Why is it so hard to have fun once you are "grown up"? We hit this age where we decide make-believe has no purpose and we cannot truly be invisible if we close our eyes. We only think logically and factually. We lose our smile and our spark of life. If you are feeling stressed, go buy a Disney puzzle, some puzzle glue, and an old movie you loved as a child. Make a bag of popcorn and prepare for a stress free evening, while you lose yourself in a childhood memory.

Live life not afraid of the next goodbye.

I rarely find inspiration in the shows that I watch during the week. I consider them a wonderful opportunity to turn my brain off and space out. However, I was watching a lovely show about a girl who works for a fashion magazine and this episode stuck with me. Live life not afraid of the next goodbye. I think this is fantastic advice. I am sure how I relate this advice to my life is different from what was meant but I still find something rather wonderful in it. I have noticed all of the people I was scared of saying goodbye to left. No matter the struggle I gave to keep them in my grasp, time went on and the people did as well. The people I held onto the hardest in fear are the ones that have given me more permanent goodbyes. However, as I grew older I learned to not hang on so tight. Not because I cared less, but because it didn't help any. I think this is similar to worrying. Worrying does nothing but it makes us feel like we are doing something anyways. Worrying ends up hurting in the long run. A wise person reminds me every so often to expect the unexpected. Fear is such a constraining force. We hide, we cower, and we go nowhere. I would so much rather step out into the frightening world and find myself with a broken arm, scraped up knees, and a fire of adventure in my eyes than find myself safe, whole, and devoid of life. If God is telling me to jump off a cliff, then that is a better course of action and probably a great deal safer than staying stubbornly where I am.

Now wat....

When a couple first falls in love all they see are the things they have in common. Everything seems to be exactly the same. Yet, something happens after time passes and suddenly things that are different pop up. The thing I don't understand is how quickly all the differences mask all the things in common. Soon people struggle to remember why they fell in love in the first place. Where I seem to get lost is when people start assuming that if a couple is different then they can't be together. Why is that? Yet, when I try to think of why a couple that is different SHOULD be together I am lost for words. I am not looking for someone who thinks the way I do. I do not want someone who can get lost in what ifs and theories for hours. I want and need someone whose feet are firmly planted on the ground. I have plenty of friends who will sit and pass the hours with details and connections that have no points. I want someone who appreciates that I think differently but I don't need someone who thinks the same way I do. I do need someone who can say we think differently but that is okay. I don't have to have someone who has the same occupation as I do. I don't need to know how they run their job even. I will appreciate what they do and I will be proud in that. I want someone to love. Someone to keep my bed warm at night. Above all else, I need and want someone who loves God with everything. If I want someone that is so different from me then this is the one and only thing I need in common.

How do I explain something to someone else when I can hardly explain it to myself?

- So, now what?

A New Year

I have found with time that my mind seems to decrease rather than increase with the intake of "knowledge." This knowledge that we fondly refer to as time goes on appears quite empty to me. I am now a sophomore in college. I suppose I should hold this with great prestige and honor. I have exceeded my expectations in everything. However, now my expectations are limitless. I do have one concrete expectation for myself. This is not a new years resolution because those promises disappear like cotton candy which touches the tongue with a taste of heaven only to fade with no memory. My requirement is to blog. Instead of being concerned about the eloquent phrasing and intelligent discussion I should be able to breath with ease at the stage in my life, I will just place me on the page. I cannot imagine many with find my daily life to be of any interest or worth. No, this is an obligation to myself. Maybe in the future I will look back and smile at my naive thinking. Or perhaps, someday I will look back and see a girl who was wise beyond her years who grew increasingly lost in the senselessness of this world. A year ago I was confident in the girl I thought I was. I was loud and forceful of the fact that I could not be contained. In a year, I discovered I was the opposite. Feeling strong and stable, I quickly became weak and shakeable, as does every individual finding strength from their own haughty stamina. Too much has changed to describe on a page, so I will just begin anew. My name is Marlise. Who am I? I am a child of God. Beyond this fact, I haven't a clue as to who I am.

Be My Release

Once, I let my writing be my release. Anxiety and fear would flee at the flow of my pen. The ink seemed to drip, cover anything unwanted. In a second, I could recall a fresh breeze, a warm summer day to mind. Oh, to be free again. To let tears stain my cheeks and pain flow free. I am tired of my well-built, gilded cage. I shall not sing with restraint. Once, I flew free. My mind soared with the birds. No boundary was in sight. Innocence held me. Innocence does not prove ignorance. For I fear, in my “knowledge”, I have become ignorant. Innocence gives freedom. It cannot be lost. Some just have this innate faith. This faith cannot be destroyed. Building, remaining, sustaining, captivating. No. Faith cannot be lost in the innocent.